Trimmings

I butchered my shrubs. The vegetation in my front “yard” has been overgrown for some time now. Since it has come to my attention (you may know how observant I can be, which is to say not at all), I was actually surprised we haven’t gotten a nasty-gram from our HOA yet and I wanted to make a preemptive strike before we got one…and also, I thought it would make me feel more productive, which is something that I have discovered I desperately need. Plus, fresh air and vitamin D are supposed to be good for you. We happen to have a mini-chainsaw-like hedge-trimmer, but, alas, it was visiting my in-laws out of town until last weekend. So today, after my gym workout, a light breakfast, making a grocery “click list,” puppy walks, and watering the plants in my back yard (yes, they’re still alive), it was nearly noon before I got my happy rump outside to do some damage. And damage I did.

My initial pass with the trimmer chopped off the top foot of the shrubbery while the second pass amputated most of what had crept out onto the sidewalk before I remembered I should take a “before” picture for comparison’s sake. I may have been too concerned that the dozen bees might get annoyed with me and inform me thusly with their stingers. I had to take several laps around my shrubs feeling like Edward Scissorhands before I got the leaf blower to move aside the limbs I had so carelessly chopped off to see that I still needed to trim some stragglers.

Half an hour later, I was sweat-soaked and panting. Did I mention it was about 99 degrees when I finally got outside? I know most (ahem, smarter) people do yard work earlier in the morning before it gets hot, but I hadn’t been in a rush with my other morning duties and I wanted to take care of the front yard before my husband came home from work in the afternoon to surprise him. Anyway, after I realized that I had more than burned off my light breakfast with the morning’s activities and probably needed to take a break, lest I hurt myself with said chain-saw-like-device, I came inside for about twenty minutes to sit down and eat lunch. Feeling slightly renewed, I did my best Sweeney Todd impression that would make Tim Burton proud. I filled two 40 gallon trash bags with the shrub carcasses (AND threw them in our big trash bin AND put a fresh trash bag in the container – am I productive or what?) and now my once-beautiful lush green plants have been transformed into a semblance of gothic tumbleweeds. They’re so naked they look almost indecent. Now I’m hoping the home owner’s Association doesn’t fine me for slaughtering foliage.

Once inside and, after chugging some more water (yes, I had been drinking it while I was outside), I realized I had missed a perfectly good opportunity to get an amazing tan as my shoulders were several shades darker than before. If only I had had the forethought – and bravery – to wear a bathing-suit in front of my house for an hour and a half while the sun did its magic and the neighbors laughed from the comfort of their own air conditioning. After a well-deserved shower I made it to the salon for my hair appointment and I can only say this: Thank God my stylist is better at cutting hair than I am at trimming hedges.