Schrödinger, Jekyll, and Hyde

I am a horrible person…simultaneously, I am utterly endearing. Like Schrödinger’s cat in a box that can be thought of as both alive and dead until you open the box (any Big Bang Theory fans?), I am both wretched and sweet. Or perhaps it’s more like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

Some days, I will patiently allow another driver to merge in front of me; other days I’ll be damned if I allow some jack-wad to cut in front of me when he could have moved over two miles ago just like everyone else. Some days I will share my bacon with our rottweilers; other days, I’m less nurturing…

My husband and I were walking our two Rottweilers the other day. Remus, the male, who is always hyper, happy, and just wants to be the center of attention is also the trouble-maker and tends not to listen very well. If one of our two puppers did something wrong (for example, steal the spatula or plate of brownies off the kitchen counter) it was him.

He actually has an incredibly sweet disposition, though, and thinks he is a lap dog…a 75-pound lap dog.  Anyway, I saw Remus start to “hunch” in that ominous position directly over a barrel cactus and opened my mouth to say something when all of a sudden, he yiped quite loudly as his hind quarters made contact with the spikes. My mouth already open, a sympathetic shriek of “Oh!” came out, immediately followed by hysterical laughter.

My 9-year-old daughter (with a heart more tender than a newborn bunny) scolded me for snickering, insisting that it was not funny. My husband and I respectfully disagreed and cackled at the irony that our “pain in the ass” dog literally got his own “pain in the ass.” My husband maintains that is what the dog gets for pulling on the leash. By the way, Remus was perfectly fine two seconds later and on his merry way, albeit paying slightly more attention to my husband than before.

However, my insensitive sense of humor is not limited to my pets. Several years ago, someone very close to me had horrible stomach pains – we weren’t sure if it was indigestion or appendicitis, but the pain was so bad that she finally agreed to let me take her to urgent care. Unable to sit down, she got in the front seat of my car on her knees facing the back seat. Every time we went over a bump (which was quite often as it was a very bumpy road), her quiet groaning became a loud moan, reminding me of a sick cow mooing in distress. And every time we went over a bump, I burst into laughter with the occasional snort, because, while I was actually quite concerned for this person, I tend to laugh at the most inappropriate times when someone I care about is hurting. What can I say? I’m complicated.

Karma comes around, though. I went out with a friend for sushi last night. One of our appetizers came with “hot garlic sauce” on the side. Now, anyone who knows me knows that I DO NOT do spicy food. However, I’ve been trying to have a more open mind about cuisine lately, so I elected to try it. Thankfully, I noticed how my friend would dip a very tiny corner of her edamame into the sauce, so I decided to start small. I dipped the tiniest portion of my own edamame into the sauce and the second it touched my tongue, I felt my tongue burn and started coughing like a two-pack-a-day smoker.

I probably scared the next few tables into thinking I was either choking or dying of COVID because it took a few minutes for me to be able to speak again. Meanwhile, my friend was apologizing profusely, insisting that she had not intended to kill me and apologizing for laughing at me. Once I could breathe without hacking, I assured her she had no reason to apologize as I surely would have been rolling on the floor had our positions been reversed. After all, what are friends for, if not to poison and make fun of you, right?

At any rate, whether I’m Schrodinger’s dead cat, live cat, Jekyll, or Hyde, we can be sure that I’m laughing inappropriately at someone. And if you ever find me laughing at you, I apologize in advance. Know that you have my full permission to laugh at me when I fall on my face in front of you…just please help me back up once you’re done.

Original Post 12/2020